Dark moments

I have dark moments. There, I said it. I have dark moments. I have gray moments. I have also sparkling, glowing and very bright moments. Today’s text though, are about the dark moments. The ones that bring anxiety, shame and guilt to the surface. There have been many through the years and I have never had the courage to admit it. Like this. Out loud. In the open.

For me it was early childhood experiences that started it. The igniting spark is different for everyone, but then we share in the storytelling we do to explain what happened. A storytelling built on false premises. Adding details into the narrative with the sole purpose of lessen or hiding the shame, guilt and anxiety we carry. Details that build on other people’s assumptions of us. Assumptions built on what they see in that moment. Confirmed and/or rejected that what they see is what you are.

I spent almost half a decade living a story that simply wasn’t true. When I started to unravel the truth about myself it was because I had gotten to a bone deep exhaustion by trying to keep up the picture I painted (and also I thought it was a pretty ugly painting). The pain didn’t ease overnight but it felt very liberating having decided to try to go deeper into myself. People that felt like my tribe started showing up on my path. Doors were opened although I was still scared to open some of them. I didn’t say no to opportunities because I didn’t think I could but because I knew I would have to let go of controlling the narrative. Too much shame and guilt to handle…

Until I one day found someone who was willing to listen. That changed everything. Something deep inside of me was heard and seen. I call it Soul.

The darkness still approaches me sometimes but just like we teach our children that monsters under the bed will burst if you look them in the eye, this does too. Now, when I feel my old story come to life, I am able to stay detached and choose differently.

I choose me!